What a generation

Listening to and watching videos and reading about how the 1950s were is so incredible to me , i feel as if i was born in the wrong generation. I live in a generation where every song that comes out has racial or sexual slurs in it, or how in every single movie there must be an act of violence or someone falling in love just to get their heart ripped out of their system once more. Teenage girls in the 20th century search and search for love but tend to look in all the wrong places, they believe that if they get hit and a man says it wont happen again that it honestly wont happen again, they go after the thugs and don’t give the nice nerdy guys a chance, they judge on how they dress or how their eyebrows are shaped, they do drugs and drink while getting completely wild at a party at the age of 13-17 just to fit in better, they “back it up” on guys thinking they’ll fall in love with her dance moves, they open their legs to everyone hoping and praying that someone one day will stay. Teenage boys in my generation laugh when they tear a girls heart to pieces, they join gangs and sell drugs in order to make more money than someone working at McDonald’s, they disrespect teachers to give entertainment and be known as the class clown. Adults in this generation go from ages 13- and up which is terrifying just to think of how a 13 year old girl had gotten pregnant in the first place , if you’re younger than someone you automatically get disrespect from your elders because you’re just a kid, no one knows the meaning of give to get. This generation has dropped so hard to rock bottom you cant even explain it using the right words because there are no right words to use when it comes to this topic!

What a life

For a long while now i’ve been thinking a lot about my future but i mean what high school student isn’t nowadays? I don’t really know what field i want to go in to because i love to write , i can write any time of the day , any day , doesn’t matter ; but then again my whole life i’ve dreamed about being a lawyer , i’m even in a criminal justice class in school where we go through things that would lead up to being part of the law system but i’m not so sure that’s what i want to do anymore. Its so hard deciding on one career for the rest of your life especially when you’re debating between two amazing careers. Even deciding between colleges! My school doesn’t apply any help for that either and my parents both didn’t go to college so they cant help so i’m basically alone on it which completely sucks! Also, everyone in my generation is searching for love and getting their hearts broken and its just so annoying because like ugh what the actual fuck.

Anyone there?

I got offered to write a book on anything id like , my creation , my imagination , my work , and eventually work with a publisher to get it published. The problem is , i dont know what to write about , im so ugh i dont know , i just still dont feel like myself , like ive been changing so much about myself lately and i dont know why. Im changing my clothing style up, i prefer to be alone , school soccer sleep is my main schedule , I dont even go out with friends anymore , and im also wearing makeup for the first time ever in school which is odd because ive ever only worn makeup if it was like christmas or something , i never wear makeup because it just wasnt me but now im not so sure. I have no idea what to base this so called book on , anyone have any suggestions? Im good with lots of genres and i could do fiction or nonfiction aspects.

Excitement tossed with fear

Earlier in the month i wrote this short story which was an outlook of my life from the past to the present. I got called down to the principals office today in first period as i walked in and saw many people including the principal and my English teacher. They explained to me that they loved my short story and all of the elements in it and wanted to persuade me into writing a full on book about the topic and eventually turning it into a book series. As i said the short story was an outlook on my life which i think is quite boring and depressing but they seemed to find interesting , i’m scared about doing it. My book involves so many details of my parents and its not a fiction novel so in order to keep my parents out of it i need to change their names , my name and everyone else’s name and switch up some of the scenes to make it seem less realistic and more dramatic.

I’m not her 

Realization is the key to main focus, You must open your eyes. “Don’t underestimate the allure of darkness , even the purest hearts are drawn to it” , my life is a constant reminder of being stuck with the bourden of darkness. This boy I know texted me today “be happy , it’s not hard” it may not be hard for him but it’s extremely difficult for me. No matter how hard I try to be happy it all comes crashing down on me all over again. I just smile and hide the truth , but I know he notices my fake smile which is odd to me because not even the people I’ve known for years have noticed , I’ve known this boy for only a few months . I’m pushing him away , I will just end up hurting him due to the bourden I carry along with me. But the moral of the story is no matter how hard we try , no matter how much we want it; some stories just don’t have a happy ending …..

Alone

” I used to care for people, i used to care for things. But now im so cold, i can literally feel how cold my heart truly is. I feel nothing, no feelings, no emotions, no remorse nor regret, nothing; Im numb to the touch. But then again i do prefer to be like this, i feel like i was made to be like this”. I wrote this in my journal last month and its still very accurate to how i am. I do not feel the same anymore , i feel lost in this world , i feel trapped in my own personal hell. Why cant i just be off to college already? Why cant i just get away for a while? Why must i have to sit here trying to please everyone that walks my way? Im no longer in touch with the girl everyone knew me as , that is girl is gone , gone for good. Im sick of this world , im sick of this life , im sick of everything in general. For the past two months ive been writing in a journal 2 times a week starting with “Dear (my name)” so when i finish that journal i will pack it away and keep the cycle going until im in my sophomore year of college , i will then unpack all of the journals and read out loud what i had wrote to myself in the past and see how much things have changed or if anything changed at all. I truly feel as if im fighting for my own existence in this world , i want to grow up and leave my teenage years in the past , but i can not.

Decisions?

Currently in history class watching some dumb movie which is totally irrelevant to what were learning but i mean what ever , id rather write anyways. Speaking of writing , ever since i was little I’ve always wanted to be two things when i grew up , either a journalist or a lawyer. Now that the days are slowly coming to an end , i need to start applying for colleges and making big future plans but i still cant decide between the two. I love to write , but being a lawyer was always a goal i wanted to achieve. I honestly am having a really hard time with this because like i said i need to make a decision, i wish i didn’t have too but i don’t need to be in debt more than i already would be. The only person in  my family that actually went to college was my sister and shes now a nurse for the mentally disabled. She didn’t always want to do that , she wanted to be a teacher , then she wanted to be a heart surgeon , then she wanted to be a coroner and now shes a nurse. Ugh this is hard , i don’t know which to choose .

Woman

Why do boys think girls have it so easy? Do they actually think they have it harder than us? Im currently on my monthly and a couple boys said cramps dont hurt as much as we say they do that we just overreact, and us girls dont know what its like to have a hard life with our bodily functions. EXCUSE ME????? DID YOU JUST???? Let me throw a little knowledge on this very simple situation , yes boys do have hard times BUT do they bleed from their vagina for a week straight every month? Do they spend tons of money on medication to cure the pain and tampons/pads? Do they have to go out and buy new panties because perhaps a splash of blood gets on the pair youre wearing? Do they crouch over into a ball groaning in pain? Do they ever feel like someone is using their uterus as a trampoline? Do they push melon sized humans out of their pea sized hole? NO . I think females have it wayyyyyyy harder than boys do when it comes to our bodily functions so please if youre a boy shut up when a girl is on her monthly AND DO NOT ASK HER IF SHES ON IT BECAUSE THATS JUST ANOTHER WAY TO CALL HER A BITCH OR TO HINT SHES ACTING LIKE ONE!

My week

So over the summer I had a sleepover with my friends and this girl lilliana took a picture of my ass but I was wearing shorts & now we no longer are friends so she posted that picture all over social media and everyone is now harrassing me and I went to the hospital for an anxiety attack and I spent the night there . My mom freaked out and now I can’t go to school on Monday because I’ve tried to commit suicide before and she doesn’t want that to happen again . And I stopped talking to these rally close boy friends that I had because they were in on her exposing the picture of me in the shorts and laughed about it . What a week huh ?

The Women March

After what had happened in Washington and me hearing about it all over snap chat and twitter , what us women are doing to protect ourselves and our country is amazing. We are showing these men that we will fight , we will win , and we will not stop until we do. For everyone who marched i am very proud of you girls! Stand up for what you believe in no matter what the law says because remember there’s also a law that says “freedom of speech” and they cant take that right from us!  Dont forget , we are strong , we can do this together .